How things are.
I’m writing to tell you that I’m not writing.
I’m back with my family. It’s I’ve been here for two days, and it feels good. Things move even slower here so I decided to write about how things are. Usually, I wake up and feed my cats, drink coffee standing up in my kitchen, kiss them on their heads before going to work, and then come home. I haven’t been seeing my friends, and I’m starting to miss them. These past few months I’ve been mostly alone. I haven’t really been meeting my thoughts, because fortunately there hasn’t really been anything on my mind.
I’m not walking through the world heartbroken anymore—at least this time. It’s different when you don’t ache all the time. I forgot what it was like to not be sick of being myself. I can go out and get drunk without feeling like I want to die the next day. It’s really nice. What I just realised is how fast my days roll into one another. Wow. Being heartbroken really stopped time, huh? Seems like my life never really cared about how much pain I’m in, nor that it would wait. It moves on with or without me.
I’m starting to learn how to cook. That’s how I’ve been slowing down time. A simple recipe sometimes could take me a long time to make, but I don’t get frustrated anymore. I’m learning about meal-prepping and portion control, because I never learned how to do that. I never really listened to my body. I didn’t take care of it and give it what it needed, judged it hard, pushed through for things that have been proven bad for me, and took my sweet time to nourish it back. It’s nice to finally be in its defense, for once.
I know. It’s really not that interesting to read when things are fine, is it?
There’s no lesson here. There’s no tension to diffuse, no morsel for the minds, no knots to untie and mull over. I meet the same people at work. I go to the same places with the same friends. I sleep around the same time every night, and I wake up before 6. I feel like I’m boring, and I get bored just talking about how boring my life’s been. But in being pretty regimented in my days, I got a lot of information about my own space in the world. I understand what my heart had been through, and what it needs, where all the care was and wasn’t. I feel light as air when I’m with the right people, and my gut tenses up whenever I leave home to end up in the wrong places.
I write books because I need to. My poetry and my stories are magic to me. It has been my lifeline for the last couple of years. They are cryptic spells from a different time, and there’s always magic in remembering. Every time I release them, it gets easier to breathe. Especially my last one. I know I’m gonna look back on it with so much love and endearment, knowing that it was the magic that made me free from a lot of things. It’s only ever free when you’ve survived.
I forget sometimes that writing is also fun! It’s a fact that tends to get lost on me, as it does get a bit hard when you’re in it. It’s so fun—it’s the only time when it feels like magic. Because some spells need a blood sacrifice (most times your own), and it does get painful from time to time. But when it’s just…nice, It gets you real high. A nice clean high that nothing and no one can ever replace. Some stories are just fun.
I’m not writing anything at the moment, but I’ve been reading some things: About a Place in the Kinki Region by Sesuji, Twinkle Twinkle by Kaori Ekuni, The Woman in Me by Britney Spears, and currently just started Hunchback by Saou Ichikawa. I can’t wait to consume all the many Britney media available that I’ve missed out on (Dream Within a Dream Tour, The Onyx Hotel Tour, all of her music videos, that awful Diane Sawyer interview)
Every morning I’ve put on Sailence to play in the background while I rearrange the house. I’ve been listening to Beck again, especially that Colors album. I’ve been dancing around to INJI’s SUPERLAME and it primed me for the summer a little too soon.
I finished and loved the remake of SIlent Hill 2. It’s a masterpiece.
All in all, I don’t think being boring now is necessarily bad. I think I need to be boring until I’m actually bored, before things get exciting again. Before you know it I’ll be chanting spells again, and making different kinds of magic. But for now, I’m more than willing to wait.
xx